“My dad is the best dad because one time, when I was dissolving in quicksand, he helped me out, and fed me a pancake,” asserts Caroline Moscatello. “Actually, my dad is the best dad, because every Sunday morning, he buys me a mini-bagel and chocolate milk, and serves it to me in bed,” retorted Ariel Shilitz, upon hearing Caroline’s audacious declaration.

Despite the age-old debate of “who has the best dad” invoking a large amount of tension in The Glen Echo’s newsroom, the verdict has still yet to be determined: We’re not exactly sure who really has the best dad.

Dads can be “great” for a multitude of reasons. Some people admire their dad’s adeptness at preparing food and contend that cooking skill is a huge factor in the greatness of their dad. Maddie Seibold, a Junior, is one of these people. “He’s very good at making tacos,” Maddie said with a beaming smile, continuing, “He’s just an all-around pretty cool guy. He’s pretty fun.”

Junior Jack Whyte, however, takes a different approach. “I have the best dad because he throws a football with me every night before I go to bed, and he reads me a story called ‘The Biggest Dog’ every day. It’s my favorite story and I love my dad.” This personal anecdote can do nothing but convey the strong mutual feeling of love between Jack and his dad. Jack concluded, “Goodnight. Always take your vitamins.”

Griffin Kronemer, a Sophomore, affirms that his own dad is the world’s greatest because “[his] dad, Barry, is really good; he is bald. And he has a wife named Lauren, who is not bald.” However, Junior Khalil Williams would vehemently disagree. “I have the best dad because he grew up in Philly, and he knows the real way of life,” he asserted.

In any case, the only effective way to answer the premise of “Who has the world’s greatest dad?” is to get to the root of the question: What exactly are dads for? When queried about this, some students found difficulty producing a definitive answer. “Dads are for…. I don’t know,” responded Senior Erik Grinn, after pondering it for some time. Others, however, were quick to come up with a response. “Playing catch” was the confident answer of Senior Tom Kaukonen. If this is true, and dads really are for “playing catch,” it would seem as if the aforementioned Jack Whyte has the best dad.

In any event, regardless of what anybody else thinks, it is I, F. Timothy Mountain, who is actually the World’s Greatest Dad, as proclaimed so by my own son, Dylan Kennedy.

Without being prompted, Dylan, my boy, often utilizes the majority of his social interactions to lecture all who are willing to listen on the uncontested greatness of me, his one-and-only dad. I was lucky enough to listen to, and subsequently transcribe his eloquent declaration of how I am, indeed, the greatest dad in the world.

After spitting out his gum, Dylan went right into it. “I believe that I have a very special dad,” he began. After saying this, Dylan willed me to emphasize that by “dad,” he meant “father.” “My dad, Timmy Mountain, is essentially one of the coolest dudes you’ll ever meet. He can play any sport from foosball to hockey, and might I say he is a great chef.” Dylan then stammered for a second, and continued. “He has a lot of candy that he lets me eat anytime I want, and he also lets me drink soda anytime I want. He got me 100 video games and I have 1,000,000 flatscreen TV’s… Also, I live in the biggest mansion in the world. Also, he got me 150 motorcycles, and they’re all red.” Right about here, Dylan made certain to emphasize that red is the coolest color. “I have 10 indoor pools,” he went on, “and I have a hot tub in my bed. My dad gives me an allowance of $1,000,000 every day. And he is also the coolest guy on the world, and he can play the electric guitar.”

It seems as if the debate which has stood the test of time has finally been resolved: I, F. Timothy Mountain, am unwaveringly and uncontestedly the world’s greatest dad.