The Monthly Corby 2015 Edition: October

The back of math teacher Michael Corby's head.

Photo Credit: Photo Credit: F. Timothy Francis

The back of math teacher Michael Corby’s head.

by F. Timothy Mountain, Copy Editor

Timothy Mountain: Okay, hey, I’m here, with my friend Mr. Michael Corby, excited for a brand new year of The Monthly Corby. First, let me ask you, Mr. Corby, how was your weekend?

Mr. Michael Corby: The weekend was good, I had some Chinese food this weekend, and I also went to a birthday party, which was fun, and I hung out with my nephew.

FTM: That’s fun, what’s your nephew’s name?

MC: Logan.

FTM: That’s a cool name. Mr. Corby, what did you do this summer?

MC: I worked a lot this summer, actually.

FTM: What did you really do this summer?

MC: Worked, actually.

FTM: I’m not kidding around here, Mr. C., what did you actually do this summer?

MC: I worked a lot. I went to the beach, once, but then worked.

FTM: What did you… Where did you work? I mean, you’re a teacher.

MC: I have a summer job doing construction.

FTM: Oh, that’s cool. Actually, my third-grade teacher had a summer job doing construction, so maybe that’s something about teachers.

MC: I guess teachers just like doing construction.

FTM: So, I heard you got engaged towards the end of last school year. First of all, I wanted to say “congratulations.” Am I invited to the wedding?

MC: Uhh… We’ll see.

FTM: Will it be on the beach?

MC: No.

FTM: Can I be the best man?

MC: No.

FTM: Why am I not the best man?

MC: Because somebody else is already the best man; they beat you to it.

FTM: Dangit. Alright, that’s okay. So, I’d like to do a little word association. When I say “Michael Corby,” what is the first word that comes to your mind?

MC: Triangle.

FTM: Alright, interesting. Why do you say triangle?

MC: I have no idea, it was just the first word.

FTM: Okay. Would you rather lease a silver 2014 Jaguar XJ at $799 per month or buy 200 lbs. of potatoes?

MC: I’d probably buy 200 lbs. of potatoes.

FTM: That leads me to my next question: Can you guess what the current market price of potatoes is?

MC: Probably like 50 cents a potato.

FTM: Okay, I have no idea what it is, to be honest. So, being a math instructor, naturally, you are very in tune with numbers. If the number one had a functioning brain, what do you think it would say? Basically, I am asking you to do an impression of the number one.

MC: ‘Why does everyone think I’m prime?’

FTM: Oh, good one. Alright, how about the number two?

MC: (Short pause) I don’t know, I had that off the top of my head. I don’t know, I just like the number two, so he’d be like, cool and cocky, I think.

FTM: Okay, cool. So, hypothetical scenario: You just traded your number one hatchback on FIFA ’93 for an all-star quarterman and 3 porkerbacks. But, your friend Stevie calls you up and asks if you want to trade Raymond Rockman for Dijon Demarcus and a 12th round draft pick. Do you make the trade?

MC: Absolutely not. 12th round draft picks are just not worth anything.

FTM: Okay, I think I’d probably make the same choice. Hypothetical scenario: You just reversed the mortgage on your 401K, bought a new fax machine for the office, and got the Flanksten account locked down— They’re ordering 300 units next month. However, your secretary, Wanda, tells you that she moved your 3 o’clock to 4 o’clock, moved your 10 o’clock to 3 o’clock, and switched your 6 o’clock and your 12 o’clock. How are you going to make time for your company meeting and the social security check from the Smith-Johnson account?

MC: I’d probably hold it in the morning, seeing as my morning’s pretty free.

FTM: Yeah, you’re right, since your 12 o’clock got switched around.

MC: That’s right, switched into 3 o’clock.

I’d probably buy 200 lbs. of potatoes.”

— Mr. Corby

FTM: Tell me, Mr. Corby, were you named after Steve Jobs?

MC: No.

FTM: Okay, next question, was your nickname in high school “Steve Jobs?”

MC: No.

FTM: Then why did everyone call you that?

MC: Nobody’s ever called me Steve Jobs until about two seconds ago.

FTM: Interesting, okay. Didn’t see that one coming. Okay, this is the last hypothetical scenario I have for you today, Mr. Corby: Your starship commander sends you on a mission to travel back in time to 1972 and convince the population of the United States that one day, there will exist a delicious, dairy-based frozen desert treat called “ice cream.” When they try and tell you that ice cream already exists, what will be your response?

MC: I’d probably introduce them to frozen yogurt, seeing as it’s probably going to be more popular than ice cream one day.

FTM: You’re right, and it is, now. And, it definitely seems to be more healthy for you.

MC: And you can put on all your own toppings, you know.

FTM: And it’s fun because you can put all your own toppings on and then you get to use numbers. And numbers are fun because they have numbers, and you’re a math teacher.

MC: I hope they’re calibrated correctly, though, I don’t want to get ripped off.

FTM: I hope so. Alright, have a great day Mr. Corby.

MC: Thanks, Tim.