The Monthly Corby: January Edition

Welcome to the Monthly Corby! This week, I sat down and interviewed Mr. Michael Corby, the legendary mathematics teacher.

Mr. Corby brandishes the fabled, omniscient green bucket hat atop his dome.

Photo Credit: F. Timothy Mountain

Mr. Corby brandishes the fabled, omniscient “green bucket hat” atop his dome.

Weekly Fact File – Hair Color: Brown – Eye Color: Brown – Height: 5’11’’ – Weight: ? – Favorite Color: Red – Favorite Food: Chicken Cordon Bleu – Favorite Sports Team: New York Giants – College Attended: TCNJ – High School Attended: Creskill High School – Favorite Student: Tim Mountain – What Mr. Corby had for dinner last night: Soup


F. Timothy Mountain: Hey, how’s it going? My name is Tim Mountain, I’m interviewing my good friend Mr. Corby. Mr. Corby, I gotta ask you, what did you do this weekend? I mean, you know, the last weekend. You know, cause it’s… What day is it today?

Mr. Michael Corby: Thursday.

FTM: Thursday, yeah. So, what did you do on the most recent weekend?

MC: That was a long time ago. Umm… I relaxed. I took a nap this weekend, which doesn’t happen very often. I’ll let you know if I can think of anything else.

FTM: Okay. Sounds like a pretty eventful weekend. Second question: Are you now, or have you ever been blind?

MC: In the literal sense or in the figurative sense?

FTM: In the completely literal sense.

MC: I have never been blind, no.

FTM: Interesting. How about deaf?

MC: Deaf? No.

FTM: Okay. What is your favorite Martin Luther King, Jr. quote? I’m putting you on the spot here, Mr. Corby.

MC: “One day a man will be judged by not the color of his skin, but the content of his character.”

FTM: That’s a good one. Alright, hypothetical scenario: Your best friend, Craig, who owns a store which dispenses collectible, used fire-hydrants, invites you over for dinner. However, his abnormal wife, Cindy, will be there. Cindy often spends her free time rubbing toothpaste all over her legs. Keep in mind that Cindy, despite being an utter weirdo, makes delicious food, and plans to be cooking your favorite chicken dish for the occasion. Do you or do you not attend dinner at Craig’s house?

MC: I attend dinner at Craig’s house, but I also bring my pet Dalmatian, who can enjoy the fire hydrants.

FTM: That sounds great. Are the countertops in your house or apartment made of granite or marble?

MC: Neither, I just think they’re wood.

FTM: Okay. If “Michael Corby” were a US state, what would be its state motto?

MC: “Yup! #51.”

FTM: *Laughing* Okay. What’s the key to your heart? All the ladies want to know.

MC: Probably a skeleton key.

FTM: *More laughing* Okay. Hypothetical scenario: You go out to see the movie Jack Reacher (starring Tom Cruise) in your local theatre. However, your pager goes off just before the movie reaches its climax. There is a cat stuck in a tree! Oh no! How long do you remain in the theatre? Do you even take the call at all?

MC: I’d probably finish the movie. The cat can wait, it’s not going anywhere.

FTM: Good point. It has come to my attention that during the 2011-2012 school year, you penalized students for using writing utensils other than pencils on tests. However, during the 2012-2013 school year, you did not. Obviously this was the result of a serious, epiphanous reevaluation of your life. May I ask you to elaborate on this experience?

MC: No comment.

FTM: Okay. What is your favorite color-scheme?

MC: I have to go with reds. Like a color-scheme of reds.

FTM: Now please give that color-scheme a name.

MC: I guess I’d call it “Midnight Fire.”

FTM: Alright, that’s a really cool name. That’s the coolest name I’ve ever heard. Uh… Camels or Alpacas?

MC: Alpacas.

FTM: Yeah, I’m more of an alpaca guy myself, personally.

MC: Alpacas are softer.

FTM: They are softer, and they’re furry.

MC: Yeah, they’re very furry.

FTM: If you were required to make a salad dish that best represented your teaching methods, what would it be?

MC: Probably a Buffalo Chicken Salad.

FTM: And can you explain why?

MC: Because although my class seems a little difficult and spicy, you can always throw a little bleu cheese on it and a little hard-work and effort and cool it down.

FTM: That was absolutely genius. Are you, or are you not a horse?

MC: I feel like a work horse sometimes. But not now, nor have I ever been a literal horse.

FTM: Okay. I like horses. A lot. Horses are the coolest animal. Hypothetical scenario: A very small man with an unnecessarily long beard appears out of nowhere and purloins your favorite pair of stressed jeans. You subsequently have the option to either buy a new pair of jeans, or eat a large pizza pie with extra onions. Which do you choose?

MC: I would eat the pizza pie with the large onions, which I would buy with the pot of gold that the abnormally small man with the long beard probably gave me.

FTM: Yeah, I guess it was kind of obvious that I modeled that character after a leprechaun, wasn’t it? Umm, my final question for today… Mr. Corby, do you believe in Sana Claus?

MC: Absolutely.

FTM: Who doesn’t? I mean, he’s the best man.