Welcome to the Monthly Corby! This week, I sat down and interviewed Mr. Michael Corby, the legendary mathematics teacher.

 Weekly Fact File – Hair Color: Brown – Eye Color: Brown – Height: 5’11’’ – Weight: ? – Favorite Color: Red – Favorite Food: Chicken Cordon Bleu – Favorite Sports Team: New York Giants – College Attended: TCNJ – High School Attended: Creskill High School – Favorite Student: Tim Mountain – What Mr. Corby had for dinner last night: Tuscan Chicken Wrap, with a side of raspberry iced tea

Francis Timothy Mountain: Okay, so, I’m here with my good friend, Michael Corby; he’s a great guy, I’m interviewing him, asking him some questions. First question, I always gotta ask, it’s my staple, it’s your staple, everybody loves it, what did you do this weekend, Mr. Corby?

Mr. Michael Corby: Stayed home mostly, watched a couple movies, went on a couple of fire calls. I did not save any babies, I did not save any cats, so… Let’s just get that out there right now, ‘cause people ask me every time.

FTM: Do you prefer your bacon to be crunchy or chewy? Why?

MC: Crunchy. Nobody likes chewy bacon.

FTM: And why?

MC: Because nobody likes chewy bacon.

FTM: I—I think that’s false, but okay. Have you ever showered in your bathing suit?

MC: Yes.

FTM: How was it?

MC: Fine.

FTM: Would you do it again?

MC: Sure.

FTM: How long after eating do you recommend that one should wait before going back into the water?

MC: 27 minutes.

FTM: Why that long?

MC: Because they say you should wait 25 minutes, and you should always give yourself an extra 2 minutes.

FTM: Do you have any anecdotes about trying to impress a girl in high school and completely embarrassing yourself?

MC: I have no idea. What do you mean by anecdote?

FTM: Like a personal story.

MC: Uuuuhhh…. No comment.

FTM: Hypothetical scenario: You are a twenty-something year-old mathematics teacher at Glen Rock High School, in Glen Rock, New Jersey. A former student of yours named Tim Mountain presents you with a hypothetical scenario in which he actually describes the current events that are occurring right now. What is your answer?

MC: Time is nothing but an illusion

FTM: Another hypothetical scenario: You are an unemployed, 69-year old single man living in Paterson, New Jersey. Your 40-year old daughter, Donna, who is still living with you and works a part time job at the Laundromat, has just gotten home from being treated for narcolepsy. She is home 20 minutes late for the dinner of stale bread and rotten eggs that you have so generously prepared, and you suspect that she has been selling poisonous candy to children again. Do you, or do you not cut her television privileges in half for the following week?

MC: Well, if I’m already eating stale bread and rotten eggs, it probably wouldn’t bother me that much that she was 20 minutes late to dinner. So no, I would not.

FTM: What would make you the best dad?

MC: A kid.

FTM: Do you consider pickles to be vegetables?

MC: Absolutely. ‘Cause pickles are actually just cucumbers, soaked in evil.

FTM: Okay. Do you like pickles? Have you ever had a pickle?

MC: I like pickles, but I usually only like a couple bites of a pickle— I would never eat an entire pickle.

FTM: Do you like pickles on your hamburger?

MC: Uhhh, no.

FTM: Do you like hamburgers?

MC: Absolutely.

FTM: Do you like cheeseburgers?

MC: More than hamburgers.

FTM: Do you like chili dogs?

MC: Chili dogs are good.

FTM: Do you like chili dogs with cheese?

MC: Chili dogs with cheese are better.

FTM: Do you like chili dogs with cheese and gravy?

MC: No.

FTM: Okay. Anyway, quick math pop quiz: If a³+√449= The diameter of a triangle’s eighth hypotenuse, what is the conjecture of 5% which is < cos(3), but > Θ99⁸⁰?

MC: If it’s a duck, then it flies.

FTM: Please sing the Happy Birthday song for me, right now.

MC: No.

FTM: Okay, thank you Mr. Corby, that was a great interview.