Welcome to The Monthly Corby! This week, I sat down and interviewed Mr. Michael Corby, the legendary mathematics teacher.

F. Timothy Mountain: What did you do this weekend, Mr. Corby?
Mr. Corby: Not a whole heck of a lot. I went to the mall, bought new shoes, and had dinner.
FTM: There have been speculations that you and English teacher Mr. Toncic are actually the same living entity. Do you have a comment on these allegations?
MC: I can neither confirm nor deny such allegations.

FTM: At approximately what temperature do you keep your refrigerator?
MC: I’d say 38.27 degrees Fahrenheit.
FTM: Hypothetical scenario: During class, a student approaches you with a brochure for a Nissan dealership, who is currently running a 5-year 0% APR and financing special for all pre-2010 makes and models. The only catch is that you need to claim your car within the next hour, and your current car’s tires have been deflated. How do you get to the dealership, which is 6 miles away?
MC: I’d probably go downstairs and steal one of the school’s panthers [in the Hamilton Lobby], and bewitch it to come to life using my secret powers, and then I would ride the panther to the Nissan dealership.

FTM: Hypothetical scenario: A baby horse breaks loose from the zoo, and you are the last person alive on earth. You befriend the horse, and you two become inseparable. Then, one day, on one of your regular adventures, you become lost in the remotest area of the Mohave Desert. You find that you are growing very famished, and the only sustenance for miles is-you guessed it-your horse. Your horse is very dehydrated and not strong enough for you to ride him. By this time your horse is pretty well-matured. What is your course of action? Do you choose to eat your horse?
MC: No comment.
FTM: Hypothetical scenario: World Series. Extra Innings: Bottom of the 12th. You’re up. Bases loaded. Two outs. Two strikes. You’re down by 3 points. What kind of gum are you chewing?
MC: Big League Chew.
FTM: Do you plan on ever having children?
MC: I plan on not being the one bearing the children.

FTM: Why didn’t you choose to pursue a professional acting career?
MC: There’s no satisfaction quite like being in the classroom with a student like Tim Mountain.

FTM: What is your signature trick off of a diving board?
MC: A 1 ½ forward dive.

FTM: Do you have a horse? If so, why? If not, why?
MC: I used to have a horse. I raised him from a baby, but unfortunately, we became lost in the desert, and something happened.
FTM: Tell me about your first heartbreak.
MC: I fell on the floor and felt my chest starting to hurt really bad.

FTM: If the only existing utensil was a spork, would you be angry, happy, or indifferent?
MC: Mostly confused.

FTM: Do you have a son?
MC: No.

FTM: Rate me on a scale from one to ten as a journalist, no hard feelings.
MC: I don’t know your skills as a journalist yet, I haven’t read any of your publishings yet, but if I had to guess, I’d go with the square root of eighty-one.
FTM: I’ll take that as a ten.
FTM: Hypothetical scenario: You’re laxin’ it up with your bros and your chilliest bro breaks his ill spoon. Do you take off your bucket and toss the lettuce?
MC: No comment, I don’t even know what that means.