Glen Rock High School’s CRUD is large and in charge

CRUD%27s+members%2C+left+to+right%3A+Guitarist+Jared+Zahn%2C+Drummer+Bradley+%22Crab%22+Passarelli%2C+and+Singer+Sean+Kennedy.

CRUD’s members, left to right: Guitarist Jared Zahn, Drummer Bradley “Crab” Passarelli, and Singer Sean Kennedy.

by F. Timothy Mountain, Lead Satirist

I had the pleasure of sitting down and engaging in a little “back-and-forth” with the members of CRUD, Glen Rock’s own hardcore garage-punk band. Being a lifelong Crudder myself, I was already aware of exactly how amazing CRUD’s music is— but this being my first interview with CRUD, I had no idea exactly what was in store for me.

Crud consists of lead singer/screamer and songwriter Sean Kennedy, guitarist Jared Zahn, and drummer Bradley “Crab” Passarelli.

To kick off the interview, I began with a standard question: “How are you guys today?” Sean immediately responded: “Umm, I’m okay. I had a little too much for lunch, because my dad packs me sandwiches, and I didn’t eat mine yesterday, and I didn’t eat mine for the last week, so I had to eat them all today.” Immediately following Sean’s answer, Jared gave his input: “Hey, my name is Brad.” Bradley then replied to my question himself, “My name’s Brad. I’m doing pretty good. Tim, hey, how are ya’?”

To ascertain a little more information about the mission behind CRUD, I queried Sean, Bradley, and Jared about which artists and bands have influenced its creation. Bradley started to reply: “I’d say the biggest influence to our music, the big award has got to go to—” “Slayer!” ebulliently interrupted Jared. Bradley finished: “No, Danny Brown, for sure. And then Slayer in close second,” humoring Jared. Other names were tossed around by the members of CRUD: Toasted Plastic, GWAR, Jurassic 5, Young Philosopher, Yung Lean, and Lil’ B. They were especially inspired by the collaboration that Yung Lean and Young Philosopher did.

Although “CRUD” is a generally well-liked name, most Crudders are not entirely sure of what the exact origin of the name is. Upon inquiring CRUD’s members about this, I received another rousing round of answers. Bradley said: “I thought it was gross.” After heavily breathing right into the mic, Jared said, “I’m Brad.”

Many people would contend that Sean Kennedy’s lyrics are characterized by “edgy” and “unconventional” lyricism. Sean, upon being asked about the “edginess” and “unconventionality” of his lyricism, had this to say: “Umm, I’d say that’s true, maybe if you’re a dad. Cause some grown-ups don’t get it. I like to think of my lyrics as ‘they’re straight off the dome’.”

It is commonly known that CRUD’s drummer, “Crab” Passarelli, has a father named Larry who is a dentist. To learn more, I asked Bradley why his father decided to pursue a career in dentistry. Bradley’s response was a heartwarming tale which shall stick with me for the rest of my life. “Well, you know, ever since he was a young boy, he always liked to build things, and he always liked teeth. And, one day, he was at Red Lobster, and he broke all his teeth on a big crab claw, and he had to just go right to the dentist, and they fixed all his teeth right up quick, and he was inspired to just carry on that career for the rest of his life, thank you. Thanks Tim.”

Next, it was my turn to ask Jared a question: “Jared, true or false: We were friends in pre-school.” Jared emitted another succinct answer: “True.”

I had heard that CRUD is a devoted partisan of Ke$ha, so, naturally, I wanted to hear its members’ opinions on Ke$ha’s new single, The Cup Song. “There’s a song called Cup Song?” responded a confused Sean Kennedy. “I think it’s about cups,” said Bradley, in response to Sean’s uncertainty. However, even after Jared offered his opinion (“I like it”), Sean was still very confused. “There’s a song called Cup Song?” he repeated.

When asked which team is his favorite to play as in EA John Madden NFL Football Video Game 2006, Bradley immediately blurted out: “Probably the Beach Boys.” Jared seemed to be partial to a different team, however. “The Red Lobsters,” he said confidently. Sean simply stared at me, hesitated briefly, and said, “Thanks.”

Philosophical inquiries can be an excellent method of discovering more about one’s personality, so I utilized this device by asking “What do camels really store in those humps?” The unanimous answer of CRUD’s members was: “More sand.”

 

CRUD

I presented CRUD with an allegation that had been presented to me previously: that Sean, “Crab,” and Jared are all currently members of a side project entitled “The Dirty Birds,” a hip hop-trio in which they each play the trumpet. These allegations, however, seem to be somewhat fallacious— as confirmed by CRUD’s members.

Jared Zahn commented: “It’s actually called The Dirty Dads.” However, exemplifying the perpetuating uncertainty surrounding the actual name of this side-project band, Sean Kennedy respectfully disagreed. “It’s just Bird,” he said. Bradley then had to clear up a qualm of his own with the allegation: “I actually don’t play the trumpet. I play the glockenspiel.” Jared seemed to be in agreement. “I play the other two trumpets,” he confirmed. Sean then made sure not to let the question resolve without expressing his gratitude: “Thanks, Tim.”

Prior to the dance, there was much hype generated by CRUD’s members about Homecoming. I asked them— “On a scale from The Big Bang Theory to Dane Cook, how much did you love attending Homecoming this year?” Sean Kennedy’s almost automatic response was: “Beach Boys.” “Crab” muttered an equally inane response. “I’d give it like three Taco Bells,” he stated. Jared simply expressed his opinion of the Homecoming dance by breathing heavily into the mic.

Another round of resounding responses was emitted by the members of CRUD when I queried them about Will Smith’s new movie, Anchor and a Man, in which he plays Rob Burgundy. “Are you going to see it on opening weekend?” I asked. After Bradley and Jared simultaneously produced a strict “no,” Sean once again thanked me.

Despite not having cited The Beatle Brothers as an influence of their band’s previously in the interview, I still felt compelled to inquire as to which member each of them held as a favorite: John Beatles, George Lennon, or the third one, who didn’t have a name. “Crab” replied first: “Ken,” he succinctly said. Sean, once again, arbitrarily expressed his gratitude: “Thanks, Tim.”

Being that CRUD’s theme has been described by many as “dark,” “demonic,” and “somewhat sadistic,” I decided to query its members about what their opinion was of CRUD’s image being portrayed this way. Bradley replied first, saying that “[he] agrees with all the rumors. Believe it all, it’s all true, Tim.”

In an effort to procure even more answers from CRUD, I devised yet another hypothetical scenario: “You find yourself hang gliding off of the top of Mount Rushmore. You can only choose to land on top of one of the five presidents that are carved into the mountain: Herman Hoover, Wilson Wilson, Greg Washington, Bill Clifton, or Bill Clifton Jr. Which former US president do you choose to land on, and why?” Jared chose to land on Rod Stewart. “[I chose Rod Stewart] because he’s my favorite president,” Jared confidently said. Sean, however, has different plans: “I’d probably rappel from Hoover Hoover, just ‘cause he’s closest to the Ron Jon Shop.”

 

Fun Facts:

Favorite Pizza Topping:

Sean- Crab

Jared- Fingernails

Brad- Rocks

 

“How would you get to the Ke$ha concert?”

Sean- Gonna’ ride that train

Jared- Hop right on Randy’s back

Brad- Get on that bus

 

Python or Cobra:

Sean- Crab

Jared- Crab

Brad- Crab

All-in-all, I had a wonderful experience getting to have a little sit-down and getting to hang out with CRUD. Be sure to check out their album, and don’t miss a live show- They’re packed with great music, great people, and great energy.